hard times

you know what's hard for me? graduation. and not for the reasons you may guess. yes, i have some friends who will be walking across that stage with big grins on their faces and i will be sitting in the audience bored to tears just so i can say i went for them. yes, it means i may never see some people again because they will be going off into the real world in other states and countries. but those aren't the hard things. it's hard for me because i should be one of those people who leave graduation with a diploma. i have spent four years at college and would like to be finished. it's not too bad for people here to talk about it because i feel like i'm younger than them anyway since i transferred in to north central. however, those who think it's so hard to finish these last few days drive me nuts b/c they think they're the only ones who have ever done this in the world. but the hardest part is hearing about my girls from home who are finishing. A lot of it is because we did high school graduation together. even though i'm not near them and only see them on occasion, i still feel like we should all be doing this together. another difficult part is that they are looking back at what a wonderful experience college was for them - friends, parties, football games etc. and i don't really have that. i have made a handful of friends that i'm close to, but i have really distanced myself here. of course it began with my bitterness and not wanting to be here when i transferred. i'm not sure what it is now that keeps me from joining in with others and having fun. i'm not the same person i was when i left virginia and it's not necessarily a good change. i loved who i was when i left evangel and sometimes i wonder where that girl has gone. what made me change? graduation is hard - it makes you look back at things and take a closer look at yourself and how you have transformed. and for me i'm not so happy with the results.